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My blog will be discontinued until further notice.

That will be all.

Yet again I spent the New Year somewhat lonely. The time when you feel most melancholic is the time when you come to great realisations. My family were outside just drinking and chatting and pretty much enjoying the night while I was indoors with the other kids watching them play video games. I stared at the screen but uninterested in what was going on in it. The feeling was so dull and lifeless. It started on New Year's Eve.

I was working at my newfound job (Optus/Telechoice) most of the day. During the lunch hour I went to visit Chris and Francis who were hanging out at Norita with some other techs. It's kind of gay that everyone keeps going to Norita to play poker all the time but the main thing that kind of got me down was to find that Chris now had found a girlfriend. It was the very same girl he regretted kissing while drunk the night of that Susan girl's party because he liked her friend who was apparently 'perfect' for him. It had me confused about what the fuck was running on in his mind. It was just a crap feeling knowing that your friend who usually hangs out with you a lot will now actually hang out with you almost never. Maybe. I just hope he doesn't get whipped.

After work I proceeded to hang with them a short while again before having to leave for Manly because the buses stop running at around 7. While leaving I was forced with a decision to stay or go when Richard looked at me for 20 seconds after saying 'ARE YOU LEAVING?' Normally that would just make me laugh but that actually made me think seriously for a bit. I actually considered staying. I don't know why but I left.

Something that I came across made me regret not staying that. Before John died in the film 'Into The Wild' he wrote in a book "Happiness only exists when it's shared." I didn't watch the entire movie but those few minutes really spoke to me. Should really start on my resolutions. And I should really go out with my friends more often. If only I wasn't so busy with work. And I don't think I'm going to university. It pains me to say it but I don't mind as much. I was never the prodigal child. I was just the joker.

For 12 years I've dreamt of success and something more. And although in the later years my expectations dropped a little I still retained a sense of hope. It took two seconds for me to realise that truth in my potential. My dreams are unachievable and I've nowhere left to go. My UAI is terrible and I'm feeling about as low as it is. Where did it all go wrong? How did it end up like this?

They say "it's not the end of the world" and "things'll be fine" but how the fuck should they know if they did good. I honestly expected much more from myself. Was I not committed enough? I tried, god knows I did but from what my results say it was obviously wasn't enough. I tried so hard to catch up that I didn't even understand what I was learning anymore.

So what's left for me? I didn't get into any of the courses I have a mild interest in. And if I do do something in university, it's likely I'll have little interest in it. Things are a blur and this post is so disconnected. I can't and won't enjoy my day. Perhaps it might even affect my week. I'm so happy for others. I'm envious but I'm glad they got what they got. They were rewarded for their efforts, I understand that. Congratulations to those people who got a decent score. It's disappointing to hear someone say they failed and then hear them say they got 80+. Most especially when you tell them you got a 62. And now this number here will forever be associated with my failure.

Right now, I close my eyes and imagine my whole neighbourhood, as though in every house there resides a year 12 student. And from birds' eye view I look down through their roofs. And in order they each stare at their computer screen before leaping with joy and running down to impress their parents with their UAI. This happens for about 10 houses before it gets to mine. I stare at my mark and put down the laptop before sitting on the side of my bed holding my head in my hands. And the camera moves onto the next house. Another satisfied student.

It doesn't feel like the end of the world but it does feel like the end of my life. This is first thing in my entire life that I have ever regretted. This moment in my life I will never look back on and laugh. How I wish just to be someone else right now, anyone in this world. Just so long as I don't have to deal with the pain and anguish. Even lying in my bed trying to sleep hurts me. My chest feels heavy as if I'm about to cry but I don't. I can't. I won't.

In two days comes the biggest day of your schooling life of anyone who has studied as a year 12 student this year. We get back what we sent in weeks ago. In no time at all, I'll be looking at numbers that determine the course of my life. Where I'll end up is anybodys guess. How I end up there will be depending on what I get. And the reactions I might get will differ dramatically. From a excited rejoice to a heartbroken sigh, to a quick bouncy cheer to a short sob or cry.

My parents have reinforced the fact that the world won't be over if I don't get into university. I've even believed that fact up until now. I don't feel like I can succeed in life if I can't even succeed in my studies. I'm worried but only in my mind. My gut tells me I should dodge the bullet when the shot is fired. I suppose that only makes sense. Sometimes I'm a little paranoid.

On a lighter note, Metal Gear Solid 4 is friggin awesome. Fall Out Boy has written a rather good record. Crisis Core had a sad ending. I'm going to paintball tomorrow. I will not be getting a piercing. I need a haircut soon.

On a more darker note, it has recently come to my attention just how easily the general public can be deceived through film. Who knew a little bit of make-up, camera angles and lighting effects could make someone fall in love? Hollywood is an expert at creating such illusions. Day in day out people fall in 'love' with such characters in whatever role they play in whatever film they star in. I think that films like that is what makes divorce so easy these days. Everyone wants their Mr. Right or Miss Perfect. In 10 fuck ups, people think that it's just not working. Whatever happened to staying together for the kids? Divorce is more common than marriage these days.

Everyone thinks that they're the main character in the film that is life. Truth is, we're all just the best friend, we're just the person next door, we're just the passerby and we're just the observer from afar. We play our part and then we retire. New actors are born every minute anyway.

I had almost forgotten about this blog to be honest. It's hard for me to be interested in things for too long and I tend to dwell on things I'm never able to have for too long. The fact that I had been capped and my busy schedule contributed to my procrastination for this post but here I am, writing again. I'm not sure if I'll continue to post daily because I'm beginning to recount my life. I blame this on my shitty recounts of my trip to Japan.

Ahh...Japan. That's exactly where I want to be right now. During my time there, I didn't begin to miss Australia at any point. Sure I missed my friends and family but it wasn't something sigh-worthy for me. The only thing I was sad about was not getting to enjoy Japan enough and not having enough money to do just that. If someone gave me residence there, with no hesitation I would accept that offer. The people there are just so much more accepting and comfortable to be around. The shopkeepers and restaurant owners (as you know) have an extreme sense of etiquette as does anyone else in Japan working in a business that deals with outside people. Australia just doesn't match up with that. It's hard to explain, I suppose you would have to experience first hand to fully understand my comparison.

There are also small differences that Japan and Australia share. One I found extremely interesting was that no one ate while they walked. No one carried bottles of water or other drinks around. Which is probably while their streets are clean. Also finding a bin on the street is rather difficult in Japan because they don't seem to have any. On trains, mobiles have to be set to silent mode and speaking on the phone on the train is considered to be rude. Japanese trains are a single carriage with just seats to each side and a large standing space in the middle. They also don't shake around as much as Australian trains so it wasn't a problem for me to stand and not hold onto anything to keep me steady. The McDonalds (yes, I ate McDonalds) in Japan is just that much better than the Australian Mcdonalds. There is just something about the diluted Coke in Japanese McDonalds that just makes it a whole lot tastier. Like tastier than the normal Coca Cola you can buy. It's strange. And god, the Juicy Chicken meal was extremely delicious and a treat for the taste buds. The chicken piece is crisp but so tender on the inside. It's coated with some kind of chilli so it's spicy as well as juicy. Then it's covered with fresh lettuce and Japanese mayonnaise (which is the best) before it's encased between two fresh buns. The fries are also extremely fresh and evenly salted. The meal is unbeatable. No McDonalds in Australia will ever satisfy me like the Japanese one has. Period.

I think it's safe to say I love Japan. I was depressed for the entire flight back to Sydney. Stopping over and the Gold Coast only just strengthened my depression. The ridiculously hot temperature at 6am gave me something to detest about returning. It's been okay. I mulled over the fact that I'm not going to be able to enjoy Japan for a very long time. My Aunt said something to me that made me stop and think for a second. While complaining that I missed Japan she said to me "It's finished now. You went to Japan and had your fun. Now, things are back to normal." That made me think abuot how it was all a dream. A dream that was too real. And how when you are forcibly awoken, you just want everyone to fuck off so you can get back to dreaming. That's exactly how I feel right now. I'm at that point where you're just too awake to fall back asleep. Fuck normal, I want something more.

"Life's too fucking short not to try."

http://caloriemates.wordpress.com/

Photos aren't up as of yet and the possibility of an upload is unconfirmed.